Sometimes I feel like I’m living two lives. There’s one where I spend my time surrounded by people who don’t really get me, doing work that I can’t connect to and doesn’t mean anything to me on a deeper level. Then there’s my other life. My real life. The one where people embrace me for who I am and don’t judge me through all my faults or quirks. The one where I can spend hours and hours pushing myself to the brink of physical exhaustion to do what I absolutely love doing. And I do that for free. I go through this roller-coaster day in and day out as I shift from one version of myself to the next.
Sometimes it leaves me frustrated. Why can’t I just do what makes me feel happy and truly myself 100% of the time? Why do I have to be around such negative people? Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why? Why?
I used to be what you’d call a Negative Nelly. Using the caps here because it was a serious problem. I like to say that I’m a recovering pessimist, because I was not the most fun to be around. I’d always find the darker side to things, the cup was always half empty, and you could usually count on me to point out the downside to everything I hoped for myself. I could dream, but with limitations. I was a living, breathing, human Eeyore.
And then things changed. The sun filtered through the clouds or whatever. It was as dramatic as that. Lighter on my feet and less snarky than my former self, I found that I could keep that negativity at bay simply by believing what my loved ones have been telling me for years. The power of thought, huh, who knew?
So after another particularly grueling week where I’m shifting back and forth between my two sides of light and dark, I found myself challenged to face those old demons yet again. I slept for twelve hours. I spent most of today curled up lost in my Kindle. And I brushed off all of my plans. All tell-tale signs of something that’s no bueno. Or is it?
I guess something I’m struggling with now which has actually pushed me to get up out of my bed, open up this blog and type, is this idea that maybe I rush to the dark place way too quickly. That maybe all of this is really just me taking a break, which I admit I don’t do too easily. I’m not good at giving myself the benefit of the doubt. It’s not my first thought to think that I actually feel okay and that sleep was something my mind and body needed. A wasted Saturday spent sleeping and reading trashy novels is really not that bad. I can’t feel guilty for wanting a break. Another mood lifter has to be an invitation to dinner with a good friend; a surefire way to keep me focused and happy.
What’s my point here? Or rather where is that Saturday Upside to this somewhat gloomy post? The upside is that I can actually see the upside. Revelatory, I know, but it’s the truth, and it’s a biggie for me. I’ve never had a problem with being self-aware, painfully so as is usually the case, but it takes fewer steps for me to get from that one life to the other. I can understand and somewhat embrace the fact that the time I spend in unpleasant situations are all meant to test me and show me what strength I have to confront the bad and find the good. And I find that good more often that I used to, so that’s me, winning.
I’m a big big fan of affirmations- which is mainly why I LOVE these Saturday Upside posts, so thanks again to Bonnie from recipeshappen.com for inviting me to participate! If you’re also a fan, than be sure to go over to her site by clicking the link. Happy Saturday folks and remember to stay positive!